![]() ![]() However, it must be done in order to recover from this binge-eating disorder, and the binge/restrict cycle. This is my ultimate fear letting go of the control I have over my food intake, and how my body looks, is my worst nightmare. ![]() In other words, I have to finally let go of the one thing that I've put the most value and attention on over the past 10 years-the most important thing in my life, evidently: my body. This means I'll have to willingly dive into my worst fear, gaining fat and weight, while relinquishing control over the way my body looks, and the food that I intake. ![]() I'm terrified because I know what I have to do is STOP restricting, stop dieting, and stop trying to maintain a perfectly lean, magazine-ready body (it's clearly not sustainable). Instead, I restricted heavily every single day when I didn't binge, and this led to more binges. So, after all these years-over a decade-of maintaining the perfect body, I've thrown it all away in a matter of a few years by binge-eating and not committing to eating like a normal fucking person. Essentially, for the past 3 years, I've been an ANOREXIC for 95% of the time, and BINGE-EATING MANIAC for 5%. I'm fatter, flabbier, and have lost all definition (also lost a lot of muscle size due to restricting heavily + working out to "make up" for my binging episodes). I've been binge-eating ever since, and my body has never looked this bad. I finished my last diet and photo shoot on February 6th of this year. I literally did a photo shoot for three consecutive years as an excuse to diet down and lose the fat and weight I was gaining from binge-eating. This photo-shoot dieting/binging cycle persisted for 3 years. When my binging caused me to gain too much fat for my liking (honestly, I still looked fucking fantastic-but it didn't matter how good I looked, it was never enough), I decided to go into a full blown diet for a photo shoot. Unknowingly, I began coping with the stress by binging. Went into a 4-year undergrad, and slowly got more and more stressed and overwhelmed. I spent 10 years bodybuilding and maintaining a year-round "perfect" body (I'm talking shredded, well-defined abs, and good muscle size). Hey everyone, here's my binge-eating story (there is a tl dr at the end). ![]()
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